MONKEY BUSINESS
Hong Kong Times, Dec 30, 2004
A piece of creative writing from my new correspondent and prolific Author Robert J Firth. Whilst whiling away time in a Macau bar.
AKA
Philip Wee & S.T. Chung
One of the most remarkable stories you will ever read.
On August 3rd, 2003, medical history was made that will forever change our perception of the world and all living things. On that date, Dr. L.C. Wang, one of the world’s most renowned experts in human genetic manipulation reported today that he and his term of genetic engineers successfully transplanted the mind of a human into a Chimpanzee.
The donor, a male victim of a traffic accident had left his body to science and the mans’ wife learning of Dr. Wang’s work in the field of genetics, offered her husbands body to Dr. Wang’s institute at the Medical Science Institute of the University of Macau.The 42 year old man, during his life had been a professor of ancient Chinese literature and was in good health until the tragic accident.
Dr. Wang reported that the operation, conducted over 20 hours by a rotating team of skilled brain surgeons was remarkably successful and the Chimp, named Billy, aged 17, survived quite well and today more than a a year following this highly unusual and ground breaking procedure, is fully recovered and living a normal life.
Dr. Wang reports that the Chimp, only three days after the operation had been communicating in writing with paper and pen. “Billy (the Chimp) has no memory of the traffic accident that killed the man whose mind he has inherited but he does remember his life as a human up to the time of the accident”.
Dr Wang had a team of highly skilled psychologists working with Billy for several months to explain to him what had happened and help him to make the difficult adjustment to his new body.
Billy’s diet has changed along with his mind and he now is happily enjoying a normal human diet of ham and eggs, steak, potatoes and apple pie with vanilla ice cream.
Billy had considerable difficulty using his simian vocal cords to pronounce human words and to this day, although he is quite intelligible in Chinese and English, prefers communicating in writing. A lap-top computer and a high speed internet service were installed in his room at the clinic and although no press conferences are permitted, Billy spends hours every day exchanging emails with friends and acquaintances. Today, anyone wishing to write to Billy can so, (just ask me for contact details.
Dr. Wang reports that so far, their is no evidence of tissue rejection and all Billy’s vital signs are normal. A trapeze and other items were set up in the University’s gymnasium and observers report that Billy was just as adept as other chimps however very hesitant about trying any risky maneuvers. Two other normal chimps were introduced to Billy but aside from some casual interaction, he seemed not too interested in them.
Billy exhibits normal sexual characteristics however his attentions so far have been directed to the female nurses – we are glad to report, that while at the clinic, his amorous advances met with little success. One nurse had asked in fact, to be taken off his floor.
In another case, Billy used cotton to construct a fake beard and, had he not smiled, showing his simian teeth, the young nurse probably would have been the first human on record to engage in sexual congress with a monkey- at least that we know of.
In an exclusive interview, Nurse “Jane” (not her real name), told us, on the condition that we keep her identity confidential, that she at first found Billy’s, again using the doctor disguise, physicality highly engaging and, confiding some of the intimate details of her near encounter, said to this reporter that he, masquerading as a staff doctor, was most tender and considerate and she was at first, quite taken with him. Realizing after undressing, that the Doctor was in fact Billy, she remained calm enough to convince him that they should have a few drinks to get in the mood. The chimp agreed and they drove to her place where the chimp drank a bottle of champagne, passed out and was taken back to the clinic by the medical staff. She and Billy remain today quite friendly but she hasn’t invited him to her apartment lately.
Perhaps the most interesting development is that last August, Billy retained a lawyer and arguing that, since he is essentially a human and not a chimp, should be accorded basic human rights. So far, two Judges agreed with this persuasive argument and last September Billy was granted his freedom. Before leaving the clinic, he had the medical team perform a tailoctomy and a little facial plastic surgery.
Billy today, is back with his former wife and back at work. He drives his car and if you saw him on the street, except for his being quite short and a little odd looking, you would never know that he was, in fact, a chimp.
Billy is grateful to Dr. Wang and has agreed to a series of private interviews with this reporter He has asked, quite understandably, that we keep his identity secret and, as Dr. Wang and his team have since performed many similar operations, it is highly likely that cases such as Billy’s will, all too soon, be quite commonplace.
S.T. Chung,
Macau China December 30, 2004
Thank you Robert, I almost believed it myself!
Gibber! Gibber!
Chugley
WHO IS
Robert J. Firth?
Robert was educated at the University of Pennsylvania and worked as an airline pilot for 42 years. Captain Firth has lived in many countries throughout his career including 3 years in Vietnam, 5 in 
Africa with 12 in Europe and Russia along with many years in other interesting and contested garden spots.
Robert has been shot at and shot back all over this tired old globe. He knows well that America’s freedoms were bought and paid for in the blood of her patriotic soldiers. Robert’s opinions and thoughts have been formed in the fires of conflict. He knows well the enemies of all free men.
BOOKS WORTH READING
“trying to change the world one book at a time”
http://www.robert-j-firth.com/
robert@robert-j-firth.com
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