In case you are confused by the Coronavirus information avalanche, my English correspondent Lynn, sent me these observations, listed below. I am sure they will clarify what is going on for you superbly.

Gibber! Gibber!

Chugley

The Researcher Chimp

1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house

2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not 

3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open

4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work

5. You should not go to the Doctors nor to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there 

6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster

7. Gloves won’t help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not

8. STAY HOME, but it’s important to go out

9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some

10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects

11. Animals are not affected, but there was a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11) 

13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms…it’s a sort of lucky/unlucky dip

14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it’s better not to go to the shops, unless you need toilet roll or a fence panel 

15. It’s important to get fresh air but don’t go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic, unless you’ve had a long walk, which you are/aren’t allowed to do if you’re old or pregnant 

16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication

17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out

18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including frozen pizza…

19. You can’t see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver

20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours … or four hours…or six hours… I mean days, not hours… But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry… in the air, as long as the air is not plastic

22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores within their education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am

23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am

24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don’t know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that’s what they will die of… the people who die of corona who aren’t counted won’t or will be counted but maybe not

25. We should stay in “locked down” until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected 

26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music whilst also having a party which you are allowed to call the police about 

27. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will go down due to Coronavirus

So Now You Know!